The Power of “Can’t”.

Sooner or later, most of us who try to cope with depression feel so overwhelmed that all we can hold onto is: I just can’t do it. I can’t stop being depressed. I can’t stop it from coming back.

When “I can’t” comes rushing out, it feel like the response to an accusation. Sometimes, I feel the weight of other people’s expectations. “If you really wanted to get well, you could at least get up and get moving.” Sure, they don’t understand, they don’t get it. But I’m asking the same question of myself.

I’m answering my own accusation. “So why can’t you handle this? You’re a completely worthless weakling!” “But I just can’t!” is my only answer. I’ve internalized the stigma and prejudice and feebly try to respond. I don’t trust myself. What if I am faking this? What if I’m just afraid to face things? I know that isn’t true, but there’s the inner belief that I ought to be able to snap out of depression. But there’s nothing left to fight with. Everything deserts me: vitality, willpower, feelings, the ability to think clearly about getting well, to make choices, to take action. The inner drive to get well is replaced by the depressive drive to get worse or simply stagnate.

When I’m trying to cope in that condition, all I can do is to start where I am. Since I can’t do anything, just where would that starting point be? Depression gifts you with extraordinarily vivid, powerful, detailed memories of all your mistakes, failures, weaknesses, embarrassments. You have absolute clarity of mind for the negatives, and they build a case of shame and worthlessness. Severe depression, after all, really wants to destroy you, literally if possible. So it leaves you the mental and emotional equipment to undermine your life.

That’s what I’m obsessed with. At the same time, though, I’m aware that I’m tearing myself down. I see what I’m doing to myself, and another level of awareness opens up. I want to stop the depression. I really want to feel better. I may not be able to do much to end it, but I know I want to come alive again.

“Life isn’t fair”

We hear it, we say it, think it, because now more than ever…its true

First and foremost, I would like to start off by apologizing for my lack of content lately. Things have been extremely busy in my personal life with my health, relationships, work, finances, and an unstable society. “It just isn’t fair”.

Not necessarily a story, and this is not pinpointed to a certain thought or situation. All right, I’ll start with “life just isn’t fair” (right now).

Just for some perspective for myself, and you the reader. By no means am I rich, but I’d like to think I certainly do well for myself in my career, extracurriculars, studies, and my entrepreneurial endeavors on the side. With the good there is obviously the bad, there’s no escaping it regardless of who you are.

Now I’m gonna throw out a median annual income of approximately $60 to $70,000 a year. I’m In my late 20s, single, and no kids. I have my own car thats efficient, economical, and nice to drive. A one bedroom apartment in Tucson no more than 670 square feet. I don’t eat out, and go out with friends once in a blue moon. Given the choice, id rather save than spend.

Doing everything to the best of my ability, and yet I cannot afford my simple lifestyle. Two years ago, I was paying $1215 in rent and $65 for parking each month. Fast forward 1.5 years and a $275 increase in rent, inflation rising at an unprecedented rate for anything and everything, and things begin to get a little tight.

Let’s throw in a few more obstacles. Medical bills in excess over $30k, Insurance being anything but the name itself. Activation of post premium co-pays bogged down by “COVID”. An example of this are a few medications Ive been taking for years now, as well as some fairly new ones due to my current health situation.

Going back one year from today: March of 2021. My medications for the month ran anywhere from $55-$75 monthly. As of yesterday, those same medications cost me over $180. According to an article released by https://www.bloomberg.com/ Inflation hit a 40 year high with an increase of 7.9% in one year. The average rate of increase for the U.S is an easy to swallow 1.23%. This all of course does not include skyrocket gas and home prices.

“Life isn’t fair”. That statement holds true not just for me, but as well as my peers and other demographics not too far off. Our salaries do not reflect today’s necessary standards to live comfortably. Saving is non existent, the hopes and dreams of buying my first home is completely out of reach as I just cannot compete with offers in cash over asking price. The days of working a Factory Job and representing the middle class are far from over. Despite all these financial challenges in the way of those monumental steps climbing the “Adulthood Ladder”. We’re apparently on our own.

I do hope, and I do want to be optimistic about the future. I do want to enjoy what I’ve worked for and whats to come. Lets hope greed, wall-street, lobbyists, and the ones we apparently elect do something for us the constituents. I’m done feeling like a failure when the ceiling is just too high. Truly “Life isn’t Fair”.