“Life isn’t fair”

We hear it, we say it, think it, because now more than ever…its true

First and foremost, I would like to start off by apologizing for my lack of content lately. Things have been extremely busy in my personal life with my health, relationships, work, finances, and an unstable society. “It just isn’t fair”.

Not necessarily a story, and this is not pinpointed to a certain thought or situation. All right, I’ll start with “life just isn’t fair” (right now).

Just for some perspective for myself, and you the reader. By no means am I rich, but I’d like to think I certainly do well for myself in my career, extracurriculars, studies, and my entrepreneurial endeavors on the side. With the good there is obviously the bad, there’s no escaping it regardless of who you are.

Now I’m gonna throw out a median annual income of approximately $60 to $70,000 a year. I’m In my late 20s, single, and no kids. I have my own car thats efficient, economical, and nice to drive. A one bedroom apartment in Tucson no more than 670 square feet. I don’t eat out, and go out with friends once in a blue moon. Given the choice, id rather save than spend.

Doing everything to the best of my ability, and yet I cannot afford my simple lifestyle. Two years ago, I was paying $1215 in rent and $65 for parking each month. Fast forward 1.5 years and a $275 increase in rent, inflation rising at an unprecedented rate for anything and everything, and things begin to get a little tight.

Let’s throw in a few more obstacles. Medical bills in excess over $30k, Insurance being anything but the name itself. Activation of post premium co-pays bogged down by “COVID”. An example of this are a few medications Ive been taking for years now, as well as some fairly new ones due to my current health situation.

Going back one year from today: March of 2021. My medications for the month ran anywhere from $55-$75 monthly. As of yesterday, those same medications cost me over $180. According to an article released by https://www.bloomberg.com/ Inflation hit a 40 year high with an increase of 7.9% in one year. The average rate of increase for the U.S is an easy to swallow 1.23%. This all of course does not include skyrocket gas and home prices.

“Life isn’t fair”. That statement holds true not just for me, but as well as my peers and other demographics not too far off. Our salaries do not reflect today’s necessary standards to live comfortably. Saving is non existent, the hopes and dreams of buying my first home is completely out of reach as I just cannot compete with offers in cash over asking price. The days of working a Factory Job and representing the middle class are far from over. Despite all these financial challenges in the way of those monumental steps climbing the “Adulthood Ladder”. We’re apparently on our own.

I do hope, and I do want to be optimistic about the future. I do want to enjoy what I’ve worked for and whats to come. Lets hope greed, wall-street, lobbyists, and the ones we apparently elect do something for us the constituents. I’m done feeling like a failure when the ceiling is just too high. Truly “Life isn’t Fair”.

Why do I push people away?

To explain in its most simple form from my perspective requires only two words: Defense Mechanism. What I’ve discovered is vulnerability takes a lot of courage and resolve, and adding to the anxiety is the reaction of an outside party and if the effort was worth it.  In life, we live and learn from our experiences.  Despite this, and due to previous cases of having my trust broken or my vulnerability of being taken advantage of leads to the activation of my defense mechanism. In turn, I naturally push people away.

t’s not uncommon to prefer your own company over that of others, regardless if you’re an introvert or extrovert. While there is nothing wrong with some downtime and relaxation, it’s the extreme that becomes a difficult issue to handle. The mistake I unknowingly find myself constantly making is my self imposed isolation.  Instead of allowing my mind to relax, I end up exposing my fragile state of mind to overthinking.

Stuck.  Stuck is where I’m at. I’ve become emotionally unavailable to those who love me because I feel like I don’t deserve love.  I do not love myself, therefore how can I love fairly? I don’t handle what should be a positive experience well, and the negative I’ve grown accustomed to.  This attitude has become second nature to me, and is essentially a part of my being. I view any and all relationships from a detached perspective and refrain from building stronger bonds, and I don’t want to be stuck with this mindset.  I find myself withdrawing from social interaction thinking I’m protecting my mental health, but the truth is all I’m doing is further damaging myself. 

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There is never a single solution to problems that involve your mental health and being isolated.  While communication and openness can be one approach, the other approach is to withdraw entirely and avoid any contact with anyone who might have the potential to cause hurt or stress.  Both approaches help in reducing the stress of the situation but only one is productive while the other is nothing but avoidant coping mechanisms.  Avoidant coping or defense mechanism is by its very own definition a maladaptive coping method.  Rather than confronting the situation and finding an active solution via participation and acceptance, avoidance coping refrains from taking any active action. 

Some examples of this are:

  1. Not answering or returning calls or messages
  2. Sending few or no messages to anyone asking to meet or catch up
  3. Backing out of premade plans constantly
  4. Avoiding getting interested in other people’s lives or emotional state
  5. Replying with short, clipped, or blunt responses.

 We all need someone who understands our feelings, acknowledges our fears, and hears our thoughts without judgment.  It should come as no surprise that scientific research consistently shows that humans need one another in their lives to feel a sense of happiness and fulfillment. Retreating within yourself with some subconscious resolve of never exposing that emotional capacity is a road I’m so eagerly waiting to exit.

Cancer: Part 1- An Unusual Issue

Warning, this post may be graphic to some readers

It’s funny, I have a horrible short term memory but an excellent long term one. “Excellent” in my view because you only know what you know, you know? I won’t go into what I do as a career, well not yet. I had just accepted a new job offer in the field I had been trying to land in for years. This was a goal I could cross off post relationship, which is a big deal considering nine times out of ten, things turned a 180.

The date is March 9th, 2020 and tomorrow is the start of my new Job. I’m excited, yet nervous; but over all grateful to find a job at a time where most were losing theirs’, or on furlough due to the Pandemic. Things are beginning to fall into place finally. The next big thing is buying a “New”(to me) car after the Hit and Run I experienced two months prior. Like my elderly peers, I woke up and began my morning routine of coffee, breakfast, and reading the news. The news was plagued by the same thing reeking havoc on humanity, COVID-19 everywhere you turned regardless of story.

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Warning, this post may be graphic to some readers

It’s funny, I have a horrible short term memory but an excellent long term one. “Excellent” in my view because you only know what you know, you know? I won’t go into what I do as a career, well not yet. I had just accepted a new job offer in the field I had been trying to land in for years. This was a goal I could cross off post relationship, which is a big deal considering nine times out of ten, things turned a 180.

The date is March 9th, 2020 and tomorrow is the start of my new Job. I’m excited, yet nervous; but over all grateful to find a job at a time where most were losing theirs’, or on furlough due to the Pandemic. Things are beginning to fall into place finally. The next big thing is buying a “New”(to me) car after the Hit and Run I experienced two months prior. Like my elderly peers, I woke up and began my morning routine of coffee, breakfast, and reading the news. The news was plagued by the same thing reeking havoc on humanity, COVID-19 everywhere you turned regardless of story.

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Take Notice, it’s Beautiful

It’s worth sticking around to maybe make my little corner of the world a slightly better place. That’s all there is , happiness is amazing,  so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not. 

There’s that lovely thing some people say “A society grows great when old men plant trees for the shade in which they know they will never sit”.  Good people will do things for other people because nothing is as good in life if you can’t simply share it (had to learn this the hard way). I still have my downs, but then life throws you these interesting little things so you cant feel sorry for yourself, you gotta keep going because life is incredibly short.  Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, tell them you love them because a reminder never hurts. 

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Part 3. Jumped by crackheads

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the story, but thank goodness for phones.  

November 24th, 2019 is the day, actually night I should say where this story takes place. It’s been just over two weeks since my Ex had broken up with me, and things were believe it or not actually beginning to feel better. I had accepted the reality that my life was different now, and as I had mentioned before, change is incredibly difficult for anyone when it hits you unexpectedly. Of course I was still fresh in my emotions, but now that I look back, it didn’t feel as painful back then as it does now. Maybe because my Ex and I were still checking on one another, helping smoothen the process of this change. I even had planned a solo trip on the 5th of December to Austin, Texas in hopes of keeping my mind occupied with things other than the breakup.

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