A Fallacy of Peace #3

July was a pretty hard month for me, so apologies for a delay in this portion. July was an emotional roller coaster for me.  Aside from personal issues, my family suffered a terrible loss with the murder of my cousin.  That being said, let’s get into part 3 of this story.  

April 28th, 2022 was the last day I took my Adderall prescription.  This is huge, because I never thought I would be strong enough to rid myself of this monotonous habit. I didn’t do it alone, because I would not have been able to do so successfully. Without my mothers help, will, and guidance I would have failed.  I would also like to thank my Step-Father Javier for having the patience and being by my mothers side throughout all the chaos.  Without them, I would have continued on my downward spiral until I gave up, or the medicine killed me. Now that I have the ability to look back at my life, I can see how close to death I really was.

As I had mentioned in Part 1 and Part 2 of this story, I had been seeing a psychiatrist for over a decade.  For the first eight years, I had a therapist I had gained a strong rapport with.  I trusted this individual as they knew everything about me.  Around august of 2020, When making my quarterly appointment, I was told that my doctor had retired.  I was given the option of staying with this office and continuing with the only other psychiatrist there. Given the pandemic, nearly all other offices were not accepting new patients.  I had no choice but to continue with the psychiatrist they had available.  This new doctor did not care about me, and was just cashing in a paycheck.  All sessions went by phone only due to shutdowns.  They had a video call option, but wanted to charge more for the visit. The only relationship I had with my “Doctor” was that he was essentially my supplier.  Hell, he kept me on Ambien for nearly a year and blindly filled my Adderall prescription every month. In February of 2022, I Informed him I would like to stop taking my Adderall within the year and he fought me on it. A little over two months later, the office was unreachable.  I could not fill my prescription, and was forced to quit cold turkey.  I didn’t know it then, but it was one of the best things to ever happen to me. 

It’s been over three months since the last time I had any Adderall. Thinking about it now, and its absolutely insane how clear headed I feel. I actually feel alive and excited about the future. I still have my days where I do get down, the difference is I’m able to better pinpoint why I feel the way I do.  From there, I’m able to change why and how I feel by working through my feelings and emotions in the way that works best for me. Adderall would allow me to only work and focus on one thing at a time, blocking out everything else. Years of doing this set up my downfall, I just wasn’t aware.  I THOUGHT I was fine, I THOUGHT I had things under control, I THOUGHT I was better than I really was.  The truth was, It was all a façade. That’s the power of addiction, I was a zombie slowly eating away at my own brain. 

I’ll do another entry soon on what withdrawal was like and my experience so far. At this point in time, I have the ability to look back and what my life was like with a truly healthier perspective. I can now look inside the box I was trapped in, and rejoice in the feeling of my newly found freedom. I no longer have to plan my days around Adderall or fear running out and breaking down. I’m still recovering, and trying my best to be better involved with friends, family, and myself. I KNOW I’m doing better, because I’m truly optimistic on what comes next for me and the people I love.  

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A Fallacy of Peace #2

WARNING

This journal entry contains sensitive reading material that may not be suitable to all readers.  Topics include Drug use, Self-Harm, Suicide, and some foul language. This entry will be broken into three parts, as this is not the easiest for me to let out in the open.

– Part 2 of 3

 

That stomach dropping feeling, although present made itself known after reading that I in fact almost succeeded in ending it all. Extreme shame followed immediately, and I was terrified of who I called, what I said, how I said it, and what would happen next.  The logical thing would be to tell my psychiatrist, but I didnt for fear that I would be forcibly committed to a psych evaluation. With time, I was able to convince myself that it wasn’t a big deal.  I had the mindset that I wouldn’t kill myself, but I would welcome death if it were to find me.  I went as far as putting a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) card in my wallet.  I just didn’t care what happened to me.  The only thing I really cared about was my adderall.  Without the adderall, my mind ran anyway it desired.  I had no control of the thoughts that would find a way to take precedent over anything I consciously had in mind.

 Although the adderall had lost most of its potency on me, I was still taking it out of habit.  It had convinced me I couldn’t function without it. Adderall was my safety net.  Adderall would take the bad thoughts away, not allowing me to grieve and process anything traumatic as they should. I was essentially a wall most of the day who would go through manic stages of euphoria to deepened states of depression all within minutes.  Adderall had allowed me to push back anything I didn’t want to deal with for over eleven years.  Unaware of the consequences that had been present, but was too blind to notice. The anguish of all that transpired not just on the 7th of January, but the past two years had built a foundation destined for failure.  I was no longer myself and everyone could see it, excluding me.

In my experience, I would typically begin adderall withdrawals anywhere from 3-4 days after last use. I would periodically try weaning myself off to limit my usage, and to eventually be free from it all together. I was never successful, and always found myself running short a few days before my next refill.  I had expressed interest to my psychiatrist that I would like to eventually stop taking the medicine as I didn’t like the control it had over me. The first time I had mentioned this to my Doctor was in early 2020.  I had gone through a pretty tough breakup a few months before, and I didnt like how the adderall would block out the feelings of grief. The grief and pain were only getting stronger the more I was pushing back. The doctor told me that she didn’t believe it would be best for me to stop taking it with so much change going on. I planned anything and everything I did around my adderall and thought this would never change. I personally didn’t have the will to stop.   

The mind is so complex and powerful. If something needs to get out, it will.  The trauma of life, work, and heartbreak was never able to properly run its course. Any cracks in the wall I had put up were getting bigger from the enormous amounts of pressure behind it. Anytime I had a drink, those feelings found a way to move towards the exit.  Creating an emotional avalanche that was nearly impossible to stop. I couldn’t enjoy social gathering, because I knew and felt I no longer had control of my emotions. Despite being aware of all this, I still continued to choose adderall over my quality of life.   

There is a bright side to this story, and I promise this whole entry isn’t all negative.  This story does have a happy conclusion. I wont say ending, but as cheesy and cliche as it does sound…my story is still being written.  Part 3 of 3 will be available on July 1st, 2022

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