I need to vent…

I’ll try to keep this short, which shouldn’t be an issue. I’ve been in a foggy place lately, and I’ve had the hardest time concentrating on anything. I know and can feel that my mind is chemically unbalanced. Way more lows than highs lately. I don’t want to feel this way, this constant anxiousness just makes me uneasy and tense. Ive put this mask on for the sake of sparing the negativity often associated with how I feel. I’ve done this so long that I don’t know how I truly feel. Lately its been different, that gut dropping feeling has made a home of my stomach. The mask Itself feels odd and unfamiliar.

Sleep lately has been impossible! It’s almost as if my body forgot how to sleep. A perfect example is now; I’ve been up all night, and I maybe got 2-3 hours of sleep the day prior. Im exhausted, my eyes burn, and my concentration is shot. Despite how I feel, I cannot fall asleep. Trying to view my thoughts in the form of words as I lay here hoping to find myself in them. I just need a hug, a good hug.

Cancer: Part 1- An Unusual Issue

Warning, this post may be graphic to some readers

It’s funny, I have a horrible short term memory but an excellent long term one. “Excellent” in my view because you only know what you know, you know? I won’t go into what I do as a career, well not yet. I had just accepted a new job offer in the field I had been trying to land in for years. This was a goal I could cross off post relationship, which is a big deal considering nine times out of ten, things turned a 180.

The date is March 9th, 2020 and tomorrow is the start of my new Job. I’m excited, yet nervous; but over all grateful to find a job at a time where most were losing theirs’, or on furlough due to the Pandemic. Things are beginning to fall into place finally. The next big thing is buying a “New”(to me) car after the Hit and Run I experienced two months prior. Like my elderly peers, I woke up and began my morning routine of coffee, breakfast, and reading the news. The news was plagued by the same thing reeking havoc on humanity, COVID-19 everywhere you turned regardless of story.

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Warning, this post may be graphic to some readers

It’s funny, I have a horrible short term memory but an excellent long term one. “Excellent” in my view because you only know what you know, you know? I won’t go into what I do as a career, well not yet. I had just accepted a new job offer in the field I had been trying to land in for years. This was a goal I could cross off post relationship, which is a big deal considering nine times out of ten, things turned a 180.

The date is March 9th, 2020 and tomorrow is the start of my new Job. I’m excited, yet nervous; but over all grateful to find a job at a time where most were losing theirs’, or on furlough due to the Pandemic. Things are beginning to fall into place finally. The next big thing is buying a “New”(to me) car after the Hit and Run I experienced two months prior. Like my elderly peers, I woke up and began my morning routine of coffee, breakfast, and reading the news. The news was plagued by the same thing reeking havoc on humanity, COVID-19 everywhere you turned regardless of story.

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Take Notice, it’s Beautiful

It’s worth sticking around to maybe make my little corner of the world a slightly better place. That’s all there is , happiness is amazing,  so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not. 

There’s that lovely thing some people say “A society grows great when old men plant trees for the shade in which they know they will never sit”.  Good people will do things for other people because nothing is as good in life if you can’t simply share it (had to learn this the hard way). I still have my downs, but then life throws you these interesting little things so you cant feel sorry for yourself, you gotta keep going because life is incredibly short.  Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, tell them you love them because a reminder never hurts. 

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I once had,

I once had a mind of Quicksand, 
That dragged ideas into its depths, 
Inhaling specks of sunlight, 
Every time I drew a breaths, 
Bit the worlds thought me a hazard, 
When every word I spoke, I meant, 
So around me they put up caution, 
And filled me with cement.

I once had a mind of tree roots, 
Using the lack of light to thrive, 
Discovering it’s in darkness, 
That we learn to feel alive, 
But the world thought me too tangled, 
That my mind reached far too wide, 
So they ripped me from the earth, 
Where constant sunlight left me dried.

I once had a mind of storm clouds, 
with every lesson I grew tall, 
Until I’d finally seen enough, 
To let my observations fall, 
But the world trapped them in buckets, 
Before they could taste them on their tongue, 
For surely minds are shallow, 
When they belong to someone young.
-Erin Hanson
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Part 3. Jumped by crackheads

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the story, but thank goodness for phones.  

November 24th, 2019 is the day, actually night I should say where this story takes place. It’s been just over two weeks since my Ex had broken up with me, and things were believe it or not actually beginning to feel better. I had accepted the reality that my life was different now, and as I had mentioned before, change is incredibly difficult for anyone when it hits you unexpectedly. Of course I was still fresh in my emotions, but now that I look back, it didn’t feel as painful back then as it does now. Maybe because my Ex and I were still checking on one another, helping smoothen the process of this change. I even had planned a solo trip on the 5th of December to Austin, Texas in hopes of keeping my mind occupied with things other than the breakup.

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