Why do I push people away?

To explain in its most simple form from my perspective requires only two words: Defense Mechanism. What I’ve discovered is vulnerability takes a lot of courage and resolve, and adding to the anxiety is the reaction of an outside party and if the effort was worth it.  In life, we live and learn from our experiences.  Despite this, and due to previous cases of having my trust broken or my vulnerability of being taken advantage of leads to the activation of my defense mechanism. In turn, I naturally push people away.

t’s not uncommon to prefer your own company over that of others, regardless if you’re an introvert or extrovert. While there is nothing wrong with some downtime and relaxation, it’s the extreme that becomes a difficult issue to handle. The mistake I unknowingly find myself constantly making is my self imposed isolation.  Instead of allowing my mind to relax, I end up exposing my fragile state of mind to overthinking.

Stuck.  Stuck is where I’m at. I’ve become emotionally unavailable to those who love me because I feel like I don’t deserve love.  I do not love myself, therefore how can I love fairly? I don’t handle what should be a positive experience well, and the negative I’ve grown accustomed to.  This attitude has become second nature to me, and is essentially a part of my being. I view any and all relationships from a detached perspective and refrain from building stronger bonds, and I don’t want to be stuck with this mindset.  I find myself withdrawing from social interaction thinking I’m protecting my mental health, but the truth is all I’m doing is further damaging myself. 

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There is never a single solution to problems that involve your mental health and being isolated.  While communication and openness can be one approach, the other approach is to withdraw entirely and avoid any contact with anyone who might have the potential to cause hurt or stress.  Both approaches help in reducing the stress of the situation but only one is productive while the other is nothing but avoidant coping mechanisms.  Avoidant coping or defense mechanism is by its very own definition a maladaptive coping method.  Rather than confronting the situation and finding an active solution via participation and acceptance, avoidance coping refrains from taking any active action. 

Some examples of this are:

  1. Not answering or returning calls or messages
  2. Sending few or no messages to anyone asking to meet or catch up
  3. Backing out of premade plans constantly
  4. Avoiding getting interested in other people’s lives or emotional state
  5. Replying with short, clipped, or blunt responses.

 We all need someone who understands our feelings, acknowledges our fears, and hears our thoughts without judgment.  It should come as no surprise that scientific research consistently shows that humans need one another in their lives to feel a sense of happiness and fulfillment. Retreating within yourself with some subconscious resolve of never exposing that emotional capacity is a road I’m so eagerly waiting to exit.

3 Comments

  1. We must accept that people are different. Not bad or evil. They’re different. Embrace your differences and enjoy your alone time. Explain to your friends that you are that sort of person who prefers alone time versus group time. I’m sure they’ll understand.

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  2. I felt this on so many levels. I tend to push people away. It truly is a defense mechanism. I push them away because I feel as if they will eventually do the same. I hate being this way. Being an overthinker really sucks at time. Keep your head up though!

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    1. Its the fear of disappointment in being let down by those closest to you. The more we familiarize talking about mental health, the easier it is for all of us. Thank you for your comment! Keep your head up high as well 🙂

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